Kenny was about as tall as me–maybe even a bit shorter. He wore cool boots with metal rings at the top to help pull them on. I demanded that I get a pair of those boots so I could be just like Kenny. Mom searched everywhere until we found some. They were my favorite footwear and I wore them with everything–even my shorts.
I tried to get my ‘walk’ down just like Kenny’s. He seemed to glide along with a bit of a limp in each step. His glide also required a full swing from both arms, which seemed to help throw his hips forward and propel him along. My mom got mad at me for trying to imitate the ‘Kenny’ walk. She didn't realize, I wanted to be ‘cool’ just like Kenny and that was a signature walk.
Altogether, he really labored just to move about, but he got my vote for cool.
Bobby was another cool cat. In my young mind, I didn't understand what ‘retarded’ meant. I figured he should be praised for his dramatic feats of memory. Fact is, Bobby was an idiot savant, if you really want to know. As an eight or nine year-old, he couldn't wipe his nose or zip up his pants, but he knew every commercial on TV along with the jingle and commentary. Most of his day was spent reciting those commercials to himself. He didn't seem to mind when I listened in and I got a thousand giggles out of his extemporaneous outbursts.
One day, mom had to babysit him. I looked forward to that day and when it finally arrived, I was up early and ready to have Bobby come over. It was going to be a great day of laughter and company. It didn't occur to me that Bobby was one to be pitied. I looked upon him as a great entertainer and comedian, kind of like my favorite TV comic, Jerry Lewis.
Right off the bat, Bobby got into trouble with my mom because he didn't lift the toilet seat and peed all over it, and the floor, too. Mom didn't know that great comedians got a free pass just for being funny. There was something evil about seeing a great comedian getting disciplined.
Bobby didn't care. After being whacked, he burst into a deadpan melodic jingle, ”Country Corn Flakes, they’re double crisp and good…General Mills, fixen em just the way they should…” My mom couldn't break Bobby's spirit!
A bit later, we had to take Bobby to school. Mom said it was a ‘special’ school. I asked, “Why does Bobby have to go to a ‘special’ school, mom? Why doesn’t he go to Mikey’s school?
“Because Bobby has a condition that needs more attention than what they can give him in regular school,” was mom’s reply.
Right then, I knew I wanted to go to a special school like that. It must be full of comedians just like Bobby who got to practice their commercials all day. I knew, however, that Bobby had trouble with some of his thought processes. When I talked to him and asked him questions, mostly he didn't answer in a way I understood. Mom reminded me it was all part of Bobby’s condition. He was intriguing, nonetheless.
The second best thing I liked about Bobby was his name. I could say it without any trouble at all. And I liked the way it sounded when my lips hit the ‘B’ sound.
One day, I found myself repeating his name over and over, BAAHHBEEEE, BAAAAHHHHBEEEE! It occurred to me that this name was much easier to say than Jeff. I said it slow; I said it fast; I pronounced each syllable with different emphasis. It was so fun to say! I decided I would adopt Bobby’s name as my own.
The next time someone asked my name, I said, “Bobby.”
“No it isn’t, Jeff, you stupid!” Mikey yelled.
“Michael,
don’t treat your little brother like that!” mom interjected. He isn’t
stupid. We don’t have any stupids in our family.”“Well, Jeff…for one…” his voice trailed off.
Even though Mikey called me names, I knew I had something over on him. Mikey had gotten sent home from school not long before because he gave a kid a black eye. “Look up my sleeve, and you will see stars!” he told this boy on the playground.
All the while, Mikey had his fist pulled up inside his coat sleeve. When the little kid looked into the sleeve's mysterious blackness, Mike’s fist shot out and nearly knocked the poor kid out! The school principal didn't see the humor in that and expelled Mikey for one day.
Mom bawled all day long. It suddenly hit her that Mikey wasn't the genius she thought he was.
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